lookin forward n backward

takin a break from doin hw.

hiak, can u believe it? i woke up to do hw @ 7 on a Sunday mornin'

hiak, wad they called, takin CONTROL of your Life.
well, i started with my studies. i seriously don fancy flunkin (or even not doin well) for my A's.
N, i BELIEVE THAT IM CAPABLE OF ACHIEVIN' WADEVER I SET MY MIND TO.

heh, is that high self-esteem or jus pure crap talk to motivate myself?

i donno...do i really have high self esteem?
my loved ones said that im vulnerable on the inside, too softhearted.
my beloved pals said that i have high self-esteem.

So, im both of that issit?
High self esteem n vulnerable at the same time.

N i tot that ppl with high self esteem, arent supposed to b vunerable. cos they believe in themselves. Do i?

i believe in My DREAMS>>AMBITIONS>>>
i believe in looking FORWARD>>
to the Greater things in Life

But Vivienne Chua once reprimanded me on smth liddat:
"I know you will walk out of this place with nth on wad i hav said. Stop movin forward without thinkin of wads happenin now"
smth to this context. N i broke into tears right after i said it. (i cannot believe i cried at the grand old age of 17, over an essay consulatation) {i was havin PMS then, i think. i hope}
she hit me on a tender spot. Cos i feel that wads she said, is rather true.
But is it really is So?

Do i really keep movin forward, thinkin abt how wonderful my future gonna be, that i actually forgotten that i shld first pay attention on the things thats right in front of me now?
Am i wrong to do that?

In any case, wad she told me that afternoon, really stirred me. It put me in renewed respect for her, and at the same time, i really feel like BITCH-slapping her for making me cry. But i think she could have said it in a gentler tone. but, the truth is, she has no need to do be gentle n nice. i think she strongly believe in doin her job as a teacher in the best way she can b, regardless of how the teaching is delivered.


i think she made me cry twice. the other time, she screamed at me in front of the whole class. actually i was fine, be4 ppl start to consold me for no gd bloody reason. i hate it when ppl try to make me feel better when im in a shaky mood. The tap will jus go on Auto mode. damn.
N i shld have really retorted back at her, for screaming at me for smth thats not even my fault. other than im rather similar to her in a way, we don have gd attitude. hiak.

i hate to cry. Cryin is a sign of Weakness. i think i am more of egoistical than really high self esteem.im SO not gonna shed a tear anymore.i hope i can do it this time round, n hold true for the rest of my life.

sometimes i wish that my reflexes are faster.
i hate it when i think back n realised that i could have said this. could have said that to prevent putting myself at a losin end.
i hate it when those ******' ppl 'knocked' 'pushed' on to my bottom when im not aware. esp on the train. hay, thats MY butt. not urs! thats the reason i learnt kickboxin. for self defense n protectin my darlins'. but sadly, im not really a fast learner. but i guess at least im improvin?
i wanna Learn martial arts. mayb Boxing. im always fascinated by the Boxin Gloves. N that cute Boxin shorts.N the Sand Bag. N its a high intensity sport. i can So tone up, man! heh..could not think of a better sports for me. i think i will like any sports that doesnt require me to run. hehe..sprintin short dist is ok..spare me from those long invigoratin walks. i don think so~ hah


got to go back to my waitin hw.. i must get thRu them, to reach my Goals in Life.
i m NOT gonna care wad VC said.
mr maideen always says that, "Listen to those who give u constructive advice, that will help u achieve ur goals in life. For those who doesnt, regard them as bullshittin''

yea. thats exactly wad im gonna do. i believe in myself. im gonna achieve wad i want. And i can do it. yea. i CAN!

Plaza* Pizza *Pasta

Jade's Mediterranean..aint gd as it looks.





hiak....went out with Jade yesterday...supposedly the plan was to catch Munich or Casanova..
yea rite, somehow or another, by the 'twist of fate' , i rarely gets a chance to watch a movie with her. Not like its anyone's fault, jus that there are much Better things to do than spending 2 hrs in a theatre///

like PEOPLE watching
like chatting over PASTA
(tho its not really That tasty, but was alright)



like walking down Orchard for countless times so as to suffice the first pt.
(hiak, oh Man, dont were we rewarded for that feat...)
(Eyes FEST!!!)

Anyway, the CANDIES are @ Plaza Sing. for some reasons. Its as if there's a Central Magnet, pulling all these 'ATTRACTIVE(S)' towards there. hiak, we lusty little gals are 'well-fed' by that, and suffering from FOOD COMA after that...hehe...as wad she said, 'Even the normal ppl looks better there' wierd uh?

Then, while walking down from Plaza to there, the Sweets sorta got diluted..its intensity and taste fading..wad a pity.

N i finally get to eat that famous gelato counter @ Shaw Hse!!! wohooooooo00o0o!!
Food always make me feel happy...esp when it comes in pink and taste fabulous. did i mention that its 100% fat free? like as if i cared abt that little detail, i would have devoured it nevertheless even if itss oozing with oil. heh.

verdict: its good..

tho the ice cream scooper could b better. People aint borned with mouths designed to eat a dangerously-cliffed ice cream. and sorbet doesnt goes well with cones. guess its the flour base of cones conflicting with the non-cream sorbet.
and that Strawberry flava one comes in a DAMN CUTE PINK.
oosh!~


got my new phone yesterday too. a black long leaf-shaped. think i grilled several hp shops ppl for that. hiak. i must say that most of their service is commendable. other than this black-faced shopowner (a female with long colored hair,bespectacled) who obviously think that i couldnt afford a phone in her shop. hiak. guess she jus lost herself a deal. N with that 'desirable' attitude, i doubt her business is doin well. Wad can i say, the FIRST KEY TO a gd business is the ATTITUDE towards it. at least, thats wad i believe. Treat ur customers as gd as u can get. A smile goes a LONgggg way. serious. and it goes both ways too. N u really dont lose anythin by smiling. not like its expendable.

hope my pics can b uploaded.

im a Happy 18 Yr Old

i always feel grown up after eating a BIRTHDAY CAKE.

hiak, 1st of all, I m SO TOUCHED!!!
period, seriously, damn TOUCHED!

my jolly gd company actually prepare a choc fudge cake complete with lighted candles, N sprung up a SURPRISE 'party' at a quaint little place tucked in a corner of Lot 1.

Nvm the ambience. or the lack of it.
Nvm the hot hot air while we enjoyed the 'mud' smeared all over faces, hands n whereever.

Its Really the Tot that counts.

I lOVE:

_all the lame jokes & hilarious family drama of Zoey
_all the 'Kaya-spreading"
_all the photos/grp hugs we had
_all the Thai food we had, (actually, i like prefer the company to the food itself, its not really THAT nice. maybe its jus Me & My Expectations again)
_all the jostling/shoving/pullin we had when we took the neoprints. twice.
_all the wellwishes i received
_all the berry berry nutty pals that i hold so close to my heart.
_last but not least, the 2 Barcadi i had.

:j fine, i love Anti-Shar more.

Thanks to:

Shar
Zoey
Yvonne
KengLoong
Wensley
Shahrin

Thank u all for makin such a memorable 18th birthday for me.


Lots Of Love, Your Beloved RJ who really felt REALLY REALLY LOVED right now.

happy birthday to me~

im 18.


anyway, i was so freakin' grossed out by smth that i actually shouldnt have laid my eyes on. Guess i will remain very apprehensive n put off by that topic for a long time. yawen & jade, let u know abt this 'thing' when we finally meet up.


&, hmm, can i add that i really get FREAKIN' piSSed by ppl who tried to copy wadever others r doin' !!!
-.- wannabes.

gosh, some happy things pls.

im thrilled when i switched on my hp this morning!
Jus lurve well-wishes in the mornin'
esp my birthday morning!

So touched, Glad, Gratified that ppl still rmb my birthday!
call me a hopeless romanticised idealistic dreamer, i jus think that today is a SPECIAL day!!

hehe. but so far i don think i have received any tangible presents yet.
im not demandin anything.
in fact, im jus so damn glad that i hav a jolly good berry of frens.
hiak, esp those who have the heart to send me happy birthday! hehe
i love msgs!

wad shall i do on my birthday?

yawen has her exams...donno where is jade.. my sis off for some workshop till night...my parents n bro r away...aiyo, i sound so ke lian. actually no la, but i always wish that a BIG grp of ppl will actually knock on my door rite now, with banners, balloons, a big pink strawberry cake, lots of presents and the good old jolly company. heh. don i love to fantasize.

im sittin right next to a big heap of undone hw. damn. double damn.

n i pon kickboxin yesterday. really shouldnt have.

i hate my lack of sense of self discipline n the lack of focus to sit right down to do hw.
ugh!!!!!!!!!!

i really should take charge of my life.
by starting on my freakin' depressin' maths hw/
doing tons of bio essays/
do my chem tys which resembles strings of freakin alphabets/
research on gp topics.

and i only take 3 As.
wad is so difficult in that?

don start tml.
'tml' nv ever comes round.

im so tired.

how do u feel at the moment jus be4 u woke up?
.
.
.
..i had pieces of my dreams lingering in da brain, n i seriously contemplate of ponning sch to cont' wad was happening in my lala-land.

sadly, today is the day where they will only excuse hosp. MC holders.

haiz....its like u nv meet this particular person in ur life for such a long time, n u jus wanna reminisce the times u had with the person. thru' ur dreams..

GET A GRIP, Rae!

n to think i slept be4 9pm last nite. well, i had a heavy dinner..cooked one whole pot of braised chicken for me sis n i.

i REALLY lacked discipline. n the teachers were ranting (advising) abt reinforcin wadever u learnt in the next 24/36/48 (take ur pick) hrs, so that ur BRAIN can hold on to e info for a longer time. i can see that they really meant gd, but can somebody do abt the freakin timetable?!

for goodness' sake, we hav days ending at 6pm, i always reached home at/after 7pm. after dinner, the clock chimes 8. N ur tummy is full, ur head is heavy, ur brain screams for a rest, is tis the condition whereby u can actually study?!
my god, if i actually do some hw on that day, my day will end at least midnite when im done with it. N i have to wake up at be4 6am to start that god-damn fuckin cycle again!!

damn. double damn.

i presently running late for sch. its freakin 6.25am.

happy V-day!

happy Valentine's Day!

_to my dearest 'babes'

Mandy,Squish, Yawen, Alisha, Nabing, Yanwen, Mich, Liying

_to my JC folks

Yve, Zoey, Shar, CX, Wens, KL, Leong Hee, Shahrin, Zakee, Mus

_to Ginny & Chengyang

Sigh. Beautiful mornin'

every morning. during the rides to sch.

will pass by these long strips of fields.
even tho if they r the eternal restin place for some,
i think of it as a sanctuary
from the freakin mundane circles we are in.

the joy. liberation of soul.
i felt durin these little moments of life is enough to substain me thru' the draggin day.



...Besides the pt,
yawen, i cant find ur new blog. think u type in the wrong add. so like me..heh.
n the free drink is only for the top tix ppl. which is like 120 freakin bucks. i seriously hope that we don need to sit rite at the back to enjoy the show. n anyway, i bought half the stuff i need for the 24th! COULDNT WAIT!!




...Anyway, for whoever who chances upon my blog,
check out The Darkness' Hazel Eyes


...and, actually i have this HUGE tummy of frustrations with others that i wanna pour out a while ago. but i think i somehow dissolve it back to me. n i forgot wad i wanna write abt this BIG tummy. and NO, i really don have a big tummy in reality. heh. cant think of that man.
i think Goin outta shape is a reflection of Irresponsibilty.
but this discounts those who are genetically skinny/chubby.


...jus a note, i think i m tryin to manage my emotions better these days. Get to a sense of NEUTRALITY.


..but im a passionate young lady by nature, its rather hard to actually:

1. stop swearin'
2.stop threatenin to beat the hell outta others
3.stop flarin' up
4.stop havin PMS.

hay, can i ACTuaLLY do smth abt the last pt?


have to hit the books now. hope i don miss the table, n hit the sack instead.
actually i feel like literally hittin the books rite now, but it don really solve the prob does it?

i wanna enrol myself in kickboxin after the sch course.
then will proceed on to muay thai. shadow boxin.boxing.
haha. train myself.
actually Rae=protector of wisdom
lurve the meaning.
consider myself as a protector of those who i keep close to my heart.
i will n CAN bash the heads in, of those who even dare to touch my darlin' siblings.
even if its till my last breath.

this morbid.
in any sense, im jus glad that im alive n kickin'

i wanna go SKY-DIVING by 28.

shit

i shld not b writin more entries man.
hope i ran outta interest in this soon enugh.
anyway, was strollin thru my blog after changin the template.
now its clean.simple.white.
good.
i shld clear up the content too.
stop writin abt the other species.
-even tho most of em r of -ve context-
oops.

Ache

my head.
actually, i ve forgotten wad i wanna write today,man.
could only rmb i wanna write smth.

well, Im gonna go for an Afro-Cuban Concert at the Durian. yea! n as an icing on the cake, theres free complimentary drink. Guess i will probably help myself to more drinks afterwards. don i lurve those stuff!!! hehe.

...i wanna go Sentosa. but it rained today. yea, like as if i will make a trip on my own to the island. not only if i have my own transport. I CANNNOT WAIT FOR it! already tot of a hell lot of places to indulge myself, n prehaps those who matters to me.

..places with a lot of sun.sky.water.fields.spaces.

..like places with limitless spaces. or at least as far as my eyes can see.

..places with freedom. liberation.

..gosh, don i sound airy?!

..N, guess wad, i saw my 3rd Double Rainbows rite after i crawl outta my bed!!
. i jus shrieked n smiled silly to the sky.
..i live for my dreams n beauty of the world.
..n those who matters.


...as i was tellin zoey a few days ago, if any of these r ripped away from me, i will be broken. broken. broken.

..wad a sad tot.

..i wan A prince with neat features. cool deep voice. strong hands. (gosh, im thinkin dirty. ;j)
well-built shoulders. all the better to snuggle on to.

..y don i jus get myself a pillow?

.im gettin outta here.

mudpies n strawberries

they r freakin' aphrodisiac.
my face is flushed from eatin my fav culprits together.





updates....

i love FEB!!
1. MY birthday

i have this thing abt birthdays since young. bug my mum everyday on "Is my birthday today?"
n i tot kids will grow up n stop doing that. i guess my crazy fetish didnt.







2. i don meant to rant abt my birthday

Real sry if i cant shuddup abt my birthday. Guess those affected ones are happy that i only have one birthday a yr. (thats wad make it so special rite?)








--anecdote: (source: Maideen,tutor)

"do U know how hard is it even to be borned? just think of how u make that touchdown be4 millions of ur brothers n sisters. "

.funny anecdote repeated arent that amusin after all.







3.there are things i wanna do be4 18.


i. have 1 more ____________.
ii.do smth i wanna do but haven do yet.
iii. do smth that im not suppose to do be4 18.----leave it to imagination eh?

4. there are things i wanna do for the coming 10 yrs of my life.

1. Get outta Singapore. for 'gai-gai'. jalan-jalan
2. Go on a "GALS ONLY" overseas trip to somewhere sunny n hunky. yummy!
3. GET my 1st car! a red one. u bet
4. Get my degree(s).
5. Get a job that will put a smile on my face.

5. there are things i wanna do in MY LIFETIME.


1. A resort-restaurant-bar to my name.
2. A house with miles of fields surrounding it. complete with my own garden n waterfall. n spa n jacuzzi. n big ceiling-high oblong glass windows for my living rm. n red sofas. Custom-made
bed(s) with fluffy colourful pillows of all sizes.
3. if not, an executive apartment or penthouse will do. i still wan that bed tho. n e windows.
4. leave my footprints after i leave this world.
5. Never REgret.







----*Nv fear to reach for that furthest brightest cloud.






-----* luRve the blue blue sky. white clouds. the wispy n fluffy ones, that leaves so much for ur imagination. .. . . . . . ... The Arts. even if i can make em, lovin n appreciatin their beauty jus make me smile. . ... ... . ... ...The trees that backface the sun with sunlight filterin thru the leaves, which seem to make em glow with radiance. .. ..... . .. .The wind in ur face. with ur hair all blown back. the warm sun on ur shoulders. .. . .. The smell of mornin air n forecomin rain... ... .. The beltin of rain on the windows of ur car.. .... ..Flowers in Bloom..... Red sports cars.with the growlin engine.. .speeding..... .. .Good music that can make ur heart sing in joy or wrench it to smithreens... ..senseless wild dancin... .. Good old Vodka... ... Italian food... .. Spanish singers.. ..Latin bods.... ... Salsa... Kickboxin... .Winnin Archery comp. (one-time only) .....sensual dark humorous stylish men with pose n ambition....N Strawberry shortcakes... Cheesecakes.... __________N of cos, Mudpies n Strawberries.